It’s strange dealing with death. I wasn’t close to this person but people I care a lot about were. I feel the loss and the pain. It’s difficult to keep running different scenarios through your head about what happened and what could have been done to avoid it. Even though, intellectually, I know there is little we could have done differently you still have to run these scenarios. You have to let your mind wrap around what has happened, you have to understand it from all angles, you hope you learn the warning signs, you hope you will act differently if you are in the same situation again. Even though you know, intellectually, that even acting differently would probably have brought the same result.
She had a disease. Her blood alcohol level was incredibly high. While I knew she had a drinking problem I assumed she drank often, hiding her drinking, and eventually passed out. Now I learn she drank large amounts of alcohol quickly. Neither scenario is good but the first means you’re a drunk, the second means you’re dead.
Out of ignorance I assumed she was a closet drunk and with some form of a 12 step program she could dry out and start a new phase of her life. I’ve never had experience with anyone with her type of problem. Everyone talks about being depressed but this type of depression is something I have heard about but never experienced.
In times when we need people the most our mind tells us to pull away. If we hide our problem no one will notice, if we act like their is nothing wrong we can fool people. Our mind tells us that when the time is right we will get the help we need. It’s a survival instinct that may work in some situations, but not with mental illness, not when our inner demons are trying to kill you.
